Principles
for Dating
by Patrick Zukeran
What Is Love?
We were made to love and be loved. God
is love (1 John
Today, the word love has been
misconstrued in several ways. One misconception is,
love is sex.
Second, true marriage involves a
commitment to the larger society to abide by these principles. Thus in a
healthy society, the individual's failure to keep these commitments is recognized
as social irresponsibility and the violation of a covenant. Seen from this
vantage point, sex outside the context of marriage is not only selfish
indulgence and exploitation, but also social anarchy on a small scale because
it threatens the stability of society since it is based on the bedrock of
marriage.
Remember,
A second misconception is that love is a
feeling. Love needs to stir up emotions of excitement, happiness, and passion.
It must make me feel good. When we define love as an emotion, we inflate the
accuracy of emotions. True, there are good feelings associated with love, but
love also involves self-sacrifice and perseverance in difficulty. Love is a
commitment to do what is right even if there is pain. Love defined as an
emotion is not love at all--but a self-centered desire for pleasure.
A third mistaken view of love is the
belief that love is conditional: I love you if you meet my expectations. It
requires the other person to perform up to a desired level before any love is given.
This love is shallow and self-centered. In the end, conditional love proves to
be destructive.
True love begins with God. Only His love
can fill the emptiness in our heart. The people we date and even marry can
never meet our deepest needs. In 1 John
Principles to Remember
When I began dating, I didn't have a
clue what God's Word said on the subject. As a result, my first few dates
caused both parties a lot of unnecessary pain. These hurtful experiences could have
easily been avoided, if I had followed two principles from God's Word. The
first principle comes from 2 Corinthians 6:14 which states, "Do not be
yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have
in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?" Paul draws on
the analogy from Deuteronomy 22:10 which prohibits
harnessing an ox and a donkey together for plowing. The result would be
disastrous since they would pull a plow at different speeds and end up going
nowhere.
It is impossible for two different
species of animals to pull a plow properly since they have too many
incompatible traits. The same is true between a believer and an unbeliever when
it comes to dating. The differences are so great Paul contrasts it to light and
darkness or Christ and Belial.
This principle applies to Christians as
well. It is possible for two Christians to be dating and still be unequally
yoked. One person may be committed to the Lord while the other may be worldly.
It is not enough to date someone who goes to church. We must see if the other
person's life reflects a heart for God. The first girl I dated was a pastor's
daughter. Although she spoke the right words and outwardly lived a good life, I
soon discovered her heart and mind were not on the Lord. After a few weeks, our
worldly and frustrating relationship came to a bitter end. The application of
this principle is simple. A Christian should never date a non-Christian for any
reason. That does not mean we cannot be friends with unbelievers. How else
would we win them to Christ? However, we should not be in a dating relationship
with non- Christians. Missionary dating, dating someone with hopes you will win
them to Christ, is always an unwise practice for Christians. The person you
want to date is someone who has shown himself or herself to be faithful and
growing in the Lord.
The second principle is what I call the
three M's: Master,
Christian's life is to know his or her
Master, Jesus Christ. Matthew
After knowing your Master, you need to
discover the wonderful Mission He has for your life. Ephesians 2:10 states,
"For we are God's workmanship created in Christ Jesus to do good works which
God prepared in advance for us to do." Your future partner will compliment
the mission God has called you to. That is why to the students I work with, I do not recommend they date anyone seriously until
college--because in high school, they are often unclear on God's call in their
life.
The third M stands for Mate. This must
follow the first two priorities. The best dating relationships come when two
people who know God and know their mission, are walking down the same paths
toward the same goal. Somewhere down the road their paths will connect. From that
point, they march together on the same path. That meeting point will be determined
by God at the best time.
Marks of a Healthy Relationship
I am often asked, "How do I know if
I am in a healthy dating relationship?" Here are a few ways to tell.
Proverbs 27:17 tells us, "As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens
another." When two swords rub against one another, they result in two even
sharper and better swords. The same should be true when two believers are
together. They should make each other stronger in the Lord. They do this by
encouraging the other to grow in the Lord, exhorting each other to become more
like Jesus each time they are together. Positive constructive changes are produced
in one another. A healthy relationship looks like a triangle. The man and woman
stand at the bottom corners. At the top of the triangle is God. As each person
moves closer to God, they move closer to each other. The focus of each
individual is the Lord.
When I first entered the ministry, like
most men I was goal oriented and insensitive to others. It's not that I didn't
care about others--it was that I was so focused on the goals I often ran over other
people to accomplish the task. As I started dating the young lady who became my
wife, she pointed
out these flaws, and through her "sharpening process," I have become
more balanced. I am still goal oriented, but I am also learning to be more
sensitive to others around me in the process of meeting my goals.
The question to ask about the person you
are dating is, "Do I get closer to God as a result of being with this
person?" or "Do I love Jesus more today because of our time
together?" If you can answer yes, you have the makings of a healthy
relationship.
A second indicator comes by looking at
the relationships around you. Look at your relationships with your friends,
your parents, your pastor, and older mentors. Are these relationships being
strengthened or weakened as a result of your dating relationship? In a healthy relationship,
these friendships are strengthened. In unhealthy dating relationships, the
couple often isolate themselves from others.
This is unhealthy for several reasons.
One person cannot meet all your needs. There will come the time when you need
other friends. Yet, unless you take the time to build other relationships now,
later when you need the friendship of others, they may not be there. Often, one
person in the relationship will try to dominate the time of the other. Because
this person is insecure, they will be very possessive of the other. This leads
to a relationship built on selfishness, distrust, and insecurity. When I see
relationships deteriorating between the dating couple and their parents, older
mentors, or pastors, it is often because the dating couple has something to
hide. Dishonesty to parents and others is not a foundation for solid
relationships.
Integrity, sincerity, and truth are the
marks of a healthy relationship. Couples in a healthy relationship have nothing
to hide from those who care about them. When I was involved in unhealthy
relationships, I saw key relationships around me deteriorate. As hard as I
tried, they continued to decline and soon I knew this relationship was not of
the Lord. When I began dating Kris, my wife, our relationships with family,
friends, and disciplers grew stronger. Both our parents felt good
about us, and our friends enjoyed our company because together we were better
in the Lord. If you are in a healthy relationship, both of you will be growing
in character and in the Lord, and your relationships with other people will be
enhanced and strengthened.
How Far is too Far?
When I speak on dating, one of the most
frequently asked questions is, "How far is too far?" In other words,
how physical can I get with my date and still be
obedient to God? The answer is found in Paul's exhortation to young Timothy in 1 Timothy 5:1-2. "Treat younger men as brothers, older
women as mothers, and younger women as sisters, with absolute purity."
When asked, "How far is too
far?" I respond to the guys, "How far would you go with your own
sister?" To the girls I say, "How far would you go with your own
brother?" Usually the crowd will respond with looks of disgust. Paul's
words remain clear. As Christians, we are now part of one family belonging to
the
My basic guideline is this. The more
physically involved the dating relationship, the worse off it is. That flies in
the face of the world, which teaches the opposite. Over the years, as a pastor
of students, I have seen many relationships destroyed because the couples were
too physically involved. In marriage, sex is the most intimate expression of
committed love which binds two people together. Outside of marriage, it has the
opposite effect. It becomes a hindrance to the development of mature love. Sex
hinders the development of solid communication. The ability to communicate at a
deep level is vital in a relationship. Couples must be able to solve difficult problems,
discuss deep issues, resolve conflict, and pray together. To think a kiss or a
hug can solve a conflict rather than communicating and praying together is like
putting a band-aid on a broken bone.
Solid relationships are built on mutual
trust and respect. When sex enters the picture, trust and respect can be lost.
When a guy pushes a girl too far, she loses her trust in him. Her trust has
resulted in her exploitation. The guy loses respect for the girl, knowing she
is willing to give up her honor, self respect, and virginity for passionate
lust. When trust and respect is lost, not much remains in the relationship.
However, when a couple makes the
commitment to wait until marriage, a strong mutual trust develops which carries
over into the marriage. Security and harmony define the relationship because
both know the other will remain faithful even in difficult times. Should one
partner even be disfigured in an accident, the other will be there because they
have a proven commitment. Mutual respect is developed when both parties prove
themselves to be people of character who will not compromise their convictions,
honor, and obedience to God. Trust and respect pay huge dividends in
relationships.
The best way to keep from sexual
immorality is to develop the conviction to have a pure relationship from the
beginning. It is difficult to reverse the process. Establish your convictions and
limits at the beginning, then maintain them throughout
your dating relationship. Although it may be difficult, there is a tremendous
reward that awaits you in marriage when you honor the Lord in your dating life.
How to Know You Are Really in Love
Another question I am often asked is,
"How do I know if I am in love or just infatuated?" Is this relationship
worth pursuing, or is it just two people infatuated with one another? Relationships do often
begin with infatuation, but healthy ones move on to mature love. Too often what appears to be
love is simply infatuation. Here are some ways to know the difference between
the two.
Real love edifies. Two people in love
seek the best for the other person. Their attitude toward the other is,
"How can I help make you everything God ever intended you to be?" The
two have found their fulfillment and security in Christ, and as a result, they
can securely serve with the other's best interest in mind.
On the other hand, infatuation is
selfish and driven by the desire to have your own needs met. "Infatuated
love insists upon continual reassurance from the other person. It makes unreasonable
demands that stem from possessiveness and insecurity. Charted on paper, it
would range from high peaks of certainty to valleys of doubt. Unstable in its
duration, infatuation is like a seasonal monsoon; it comes, blows fiercely, and
moves on."{1}
Second, love is based on knowledge. One
must first get to know the other person over a significant period of time and
in many different circumstances. As you see the other person's character
strengths and weaknesses, ask yourself, "Do I still feel strongly
attracted to him or her?" Try this exercise. List as many attributes of
the other person as you can, including strengths and weakness, and the
evidence to support your claims. If you have a good-sized list, you probably
know the person well and are basing your decision on knowledge. If it is infatuation, your
list will be quite short. When two people are infatuated, what they are often attracted
to is an idealized image of the other person.
Third, ask yourself, "If I were
blind, would I love this person?" In other words, can I love this person
without any physical expression? Is my desire for him or her based on quality
of character or just physical attraction? If you can't express your love apart
from the physical element, it is not true love. Physical involvement will
distort two people's perspective, and it often leads to unwise decisions.
Physical involvement can make people feel close, but upon careful examination,
the only thing the two may have in common is lust.
Finally, real love endures. Over time,
real love grows and matures. Two people in love can wait for God's time, no
matter how long it may be. Paul states in 1 Corinthians 13 that love is patient and love always perseveres or is long
suffering. True love will endure the tests of time and difficulty. Infatuation
is marked by impulsive and emotional decision making. It wants to rush into things
before prayer or wise counsel is considered. Driven by insecurity and
possessiveness, false love seeks to rush the process of physical intimacy and
even marriage. True love, on the other hand, is willing to wait on God's time
and allow the other person to grow and become the person God desires him or her
to be.
As we conclude, remember this truth: God
loves you and desires that your relationships be joyous and meaningful. He will
not let you go wrong in the area of dating if you let Him be the Lord of every
aspect of your life.
© 1998 Probe Ministries International
See also Most Asked Questions
on Dating
Note
Paula and Stacey Rinehart, Choices (Colorado Springs,
Col.: NavPress, 1996), p. 120.
Bibliography
Crabb, Larry. Men and Women, Enjoying the
Difference.
Dobson, James. Life on the Edge.
________. Emotions, Can You Trust Them?
Elliot, Elisabeth. Passion and Purity.
Harris, Joshua. I Kissed Dating Goodbye. Sisters, Oreg.:
Multnomah Books, 1997.
Rinehart, Paula and Stacy. Choices.
McAllister, Dawson. How to Know
if You're Really in Love.
McDowell, Josh. Givers, Lovers, and
Other Kinds of Takers.
________. Why Wait?
Purnell, Dick. Becoming a Friend and Lover.
Tally, Jim and Reed, Bob. Too Close Too Soon.
Wright, Norman. So You're
Getting Married.
About the Author
PatrickZ ukeran is an
associate speaker for Probe Ministries. He has a BA in Religion from
What is Probe?
Probe Ministries is a non-profit
ministry whose mission is to assist the church in renewing the
minds of believers with a Christian worldview
and to equip the church to engage the world for
Christ. Probe fulfills this mission
through our Mind Games conferences for youth and adults, our 3½ minute daily
radio program, our extensive Web site at www.probe.org, and the ProbeCenter
at the
Probe Ministries
info@probe.org
www.probe.org