Helping to deal with death

Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep. – Romans 12:15

According to Paul, part of God’s will for your life is that you learn empathy. We are to rejoice with others when good things come their way. But we are also to grieve alongside them. Notice that he doesn’t say we are to comfort them? That’s because comforting them would be in large part impossible.

There is no easy way to help. There are no clear-cut, three-step answers. There is no pill that can be taken nor wonderful counsel given that will suddenly cause the grieving to say “AH! I see!” and immediately feel better. But there are some things you can do to help the process.

Understand that there is nothing you can say. Simply be with them, give them your physical presence. Hug them, hold their hand and say the only thing that can be said. “I’m sorry you’re suffering. I love you.”

Cry with them. Shoulder a small part of the grief with them. Empathize. Let them know that it’s all right – they don’t have to be strong.

Do not use platitudes. Never say “I know how you feel.” Never try to compare your sufferings with theirs. Even if you too have lost someone, it’s never exactly the same. Besides, even if it was – there is no point in trying to minimize how they feel.

Be very cautious about appealing to “God’s will.” You don’t know what God’s will in this matter is. And even if you did recognize the clear hand of God in it, you don’t know why He’s doing what He’s doing.

Don’t “look for the bright side.” Don’t try to remind them of the good things they have going on in their lives. Allow them to grieve this loss without burdening them with the responsibility of wisdom and strength.

Patiently listen as they rage against the pain. They will say the same things over and over again. This is because their mind is trying to find a way to cope – a way to understand what has happened to them. Sit quietly and listen without holding their more wild statements against them.

Be patient with their vacillation. They will want to be alone but they will not be able to stand being alone. They will suddenly calm down and then just as suddenly break into heaving sobs. This is all perfectly normal and, with time, will level out. Just ride the storms with them.

Ask questions. If something they’re saying is unclear or possibly suicidal, gently probe to determine what they mean. Don’t perform a psychological autopsy. Don’t analyze too heavily. Just make sure they know you’re listening.

Do not judge and do not give them orders. Don’t tell how they should feel. Don’t try to tell them how they should deal with things. If they want to invest money in a larger coffin that you think is necessary, let them. If they want to paint a life-size picture of their loved one – let them! It’s not about socially acceptable grief. It’s about how individual humans with unique gifts, talents, temperaments, psychological makeup and backgrounds cope with death.

Don’t be a “friend of Job”. Don’t try to tell them how they should feel about God. Let them duke it out with God. He can handle it a lot better than you can. Remember that Job’s three friends went on and on and on. Job did not get an attitude adjustment from any of their counsel. He only got better once he heard from God.

Serve them. Do chores for them. Shop, baby sit, cook, wash their car…just be their crutch until they can get their feet back under themselves. People always say “Call me if you need me” but the grieving never call. They tend to withdraw. So just go do it.

Make sure you don’t forget their kids. Kids sometimes appear to deal with death fairly nonchalantly but that’s because they have fewer coping skills. They are more confused than hurt. They aren’t sure what happened, why it happened or what the appropriate feelings should be. Talk to them. Help them find their way.

Don’t be afraid to refer to the dead loved one. Don’t tiptoe around the issue. By never mentioning them, we are feeding the idea that the grieving sometimes have that they have to hold on to their grief lest the dead one be forgotten.

Be in it for the long haul. Nobody grieves the same way. Nobody grieves at the same pace. Sometimes, due to a long and painful illness, the grieving was almost all done before the loved one died. Sometimes, due to an accidental death it takes a while to get over. Sometimes, due to other unresolved emotional issues with the dead, the grieving can take years.

Share the good times. Help them remember all the sweet summer days, the picnics, the funny things their loved one said. Laughter is great medicine.

Send cards. Anniversaries, birthdays, holidays…these are all particularly painful times for the grieving. Make sure they know you are still there for them. Let them know you still remember their loved one.

Take them out once in a while. Don’t be overbearing but just try to get them involved in life again. They may turn you down several times. Don’t be discouraged. Just keep asking them out. Make sure it’s something they liked to do before their tragedy struck.

Let them rest. Don’t keep after them all the time. Grief is exhausting. They need time to rest. They need time alone.

Let them change. Tragedy can change people. Sometimes they will change habits because the old habits bring with them too many painful memories. Sometimes the dead loved one held them back from being able to try new things and now they are trying to grow. This may be a completely unconscious thing so don’t try to point it out – just enjoy the “new them”.

Don’t quit being their friend. Stay in touch. Give them a call once in a while. Send them a card. Send a photograph of your family. Email them. Just let them know someone out there loves them. When you do, don’t be shy about mentioning their loved one. Refer to them the same way you’d refer to any other friend or family member. As far as your concerned, they still live on – in your memory.

Being a Christian is about more than merely making it to heaven. It’s about becoming Christ-like. And when Jesus saw others grieving, before He taught, before he raised the dead, before anything else…Jesus wept.