Forgiveness

Between 1990 and 1994 there were 90 articles published about forgiveness in psychology journals – almost a 300% increase from the same period in the previous decade. Clearly forgiveness is an increasingly popular topic. Although this is an encouraging trend, it is important to remember that a Christian understanding of forgiveness may differ from the ways others understand forgiveness. Whereas many therapists may perceive forgiveness as a way to feel better by letting go of past hurts, Christian doctrine provides a richer and more compelling rationale: “Be kind one to another, tender-hearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ has forgiven you” (Eph. 4:32 NRSV). For the Christian, forgiveness is to be a quality of character that results from insight about Christ’s redemptive work, not just an act of the will. Forgiveness is an act of Christian compassion that comes from one person identifying with another. It suggests that two people are equally fallible, one responding to the offense of the other in loving identification. Healing comes as we see ourselves in those who hurt us.

What Forgiveness is Not

One of the problems many people, specifically men, have with the concept of forgiveness is that they view it as being particularly feminine in nature. They see forgiveness as being feminine n that it is merciful, emphasizing sacrificial love and relationship restoration rather than masculine self-interest or an “eye for an eye” fairness.

However, forgiveness is not denial or indifference, pardon, reconciliation, condoning, excusing, passive forgetting, weakness, or an interpersonal game. Forgiveness in no way cancels the crime, but it works to take care of the distortions caused by the unhealthy aspects of anger and resentment so that the person may achieve peace of body and mind.

What Forgiveness Is

Forgiveness is overcoming of negative thoughts, feelings, and behaviors not by denying the offense or the right to be hurt or angry but by viewing the offender with acceptance (if not compassion) so that the forgiver can be healed.

Forgiveness Skills

Do not use forgiveness for self-righteousness. Forgiveness cannot be an act or an attitude but rather something that is realized by the person after sufficient time has elapsed. During this time several skills can be developed to allow forgiveness to occur. Some of the processing capacities involved in forgiveness are:

1. The ability to empathize and give up one’s egocentric position. This involves a discovery of likeness or similarity and respect for the personhood of the other.
2. Appreciation for the self and growth of the self structure apart from the other.
3. A theory of motives.
4. Discrimination of boundaries between parties.
5. An understanding of vulnerabilities in both parties.
6. Awareness of reexperiencing of certain developmentally difficult emotions.
7. Ability to tolerate and clarify emotional contradictions (i.e. ambivalence, confusion, logical contradictions).
8. The acceptance of limitations of self and other.

The Process of Forgiveness

The development of these ego skills can sometimes require a therapeutic relationship, insight and time for effective working through. The process of forgiveness, like the process of dealing with loss or hurt can be generally mapped out. These phases are not lock-step but can be generally sequential, one from which various individuals will take different starting points and parts, depending on their particular issues. Generally the first steps must be some variation of the following:

1. An awareness of emotional pain.
2. A decision to forgive understood as a process.
3. A commitment to work on thoughts, feelings, and behaviors as appropriate.

These decisions can lead the person who desires to achieve forgiveness to the following steps. Each of these steps may be taken sequentially or may be skipped. Sometimes some people will slip back a couple steps and have to go through them again. Eventually most of these steps will have to be dealt with in some form or fashion.

1. Examination of psychological defenses.
2. Confrontation of anger in order to release, not harbor it.
3. Admittance of shame, when this is appropriate.
4. Awareness of cathexis (an investment of emotional significance in an object, activity or idea).
5. Awareness of cognitive rehearsal of the offense.
6. Realization that self may be permanently and negatively changed by the injury.
7. Insight that the injured party may be comparing self with the injurer.
8. Insight into a possibly altered “just world” view.
9. A change of heart/conversion/ new insights that old resolution strategies are not working.
10. A willingness to explore forgiveness as an option.
11. Commitment to forgive the offender.
12. Reframing (through role taking) the wrongdoer by viewing him or her in context.
13. Empathy toward the offender.
14. Awareness of compassion toward the offender.
15. Realization that self has needed other’s forgiveness in the past.
16. Acceptance or absorption of the pain.
17. Finding meaning in the suffering and in the forgiveness process.
18. Realization that self may have new purpose because of what happened.
19. Awareness of decreased negative affect and, perhaps, increased positive affect toward the injurer.
20. Awareness of internal, emotional release.

There are studies that demonstrate the positive benefits from forgiving in the areas of chronic pain, cardiovascular problems, reduction in violent behavior, and a general positive relation to physical health.

Counseling Forgiveness

There are several variables that must be considered when determining if the injured party will be able to forgive and to what extent. Some of these are the presence of any mental disorder, their age, moral development, religiosity, severity of the hurt, defensive style, personality disorder and dissociative disorder.

There are five basic elements that must be provided to the injured party by their peers or counselor. These are:

1. Fostering unconditional positive regard to explore hurt and feelings.
2. Refocusing attention away from negative emotions by reframing or viewing from a larger context or different perspective.
3. Enabling empathy for the offender.
4. Focusing on self-forgiveness.
5. Discussing reconciliation.

However, when helping someone work through pain, there are several pitfalls you must be aware of. For example, how explicitly should you encourage them to forgive and if so in what forms and at what time? A sensitive Christian counselor will recognize the potential damage of introducing forgiveness as a therapeutic goal too early in the treatment relationship. It’s a good idea that where there is severe hurt, forgiveness should not be encouraged early. This is because of the pain that it stirs, the tendency to minimize brutality, and the lack of ego resources; forgiveness thus may inadvertently exacerbate feelings of low self-worth. A trauma must be resolved and the ego strengthened before forgiveness can be considered, or it will be used defensively (self-righteously) or take a pseudo form. Likewise, forgiveness out of a sense of duty or fear of retaliation later leads to increased negative emotions. You must be sensitive to being persuasive instead of cajoling to forgive. We must recognize a Christian duty to forgive but not use that duty to coerce or manipulate those we counsel. Think of it as a plant. The person who is counseling plants the seed, waters and fertilizes at irregular intervals while attending to other issues, and then is pleasantly surprised by the new flowers that bloom when forgiveness is encountered.

Finally, we must see a connection among sin, confession, and forgiveness, understanding that forgiveness properly flows out of humble self-awareness and gratitude to a forgiving God.

Comparing Secular vs. Spiritual Emphasis in Forgiveness

Concept: Definition of concept

Secular: Psychological phenomena from scientific psychology based on empirical data.

Spiritual: Spiritual phenomena from religious philosophy based on revelation.

Concept: Offense definition

Secular: Defined by offended party

Spiritual: Defined by moral law

Concept: Offense motivation

Secular: Offense because of ignorance

Spiritual: Offense because of sin

Concept: Motivation to forgive

Secular: Help self

Spiritual: Follow imperative and model of God

Advance the kingdom

Emulate Christ

A conduit for communing with God

A mechanism of salvation, i.e., removing a hindrance to God’s activity

Concept: View of humanity

Secular: Humans are pleasure oriented, no deficiency

Spiritual: Humans are spiritual creatures, flawed, with a dark side

Concept: Foci

Secular: Individual

Spiritual: Make community, interconnectedness, unity again possible

Concept: Goal

Secular: Emotional neutrality

Spiritual: Reconciliation, agape

Concept: Suffering

Secular: Meaning variable – a lesson, find new purpose

Spiritual: Suffering is meaningful – strengthens faith, discipline, increases benefits to others

Concept: Pain

Secular: Deal with emotional pain pragmatically

Spiritual: Absorbs the pain – a gift of self-sacrifice

Concept: Necessary

Secular: Personal courage, strength and integrity

Spiritual: Grace and faith

Concept: Treatment technique

Secular: Problem solving strategy with many techniques

Spiritual: Technique necessary but have meta meanings, part of a greater purpose oriented toward religious virtue

Concept: Frame

Secular: Difficult psychological processes; expression of love as an attitudinal value

Spiritual: Spiritual warfare

Concept: Offender

Secular: Psychopathology

Spiritual: Fellow sinner

Concept: Affect outcome

Secular: Acceptance

Spiritual: Compassion

Concept: Effects

Secular: Personal relationships, intrapsychic processes, somatization

Spiritual: Ultimately in relationship to God