Being a “good enough” parent

(Debunking the concept of a generational curse)

 

As we saw in the “nature vs. nurture” study, just because a parent is toxic, this doesn’t mean the child will necessarily fall into the same patterns.

·        Matthew 1:7-8 Solomon was the father of Rehoboam, Rehoboam the father of Abijah, and Abijah the father of Asa. 8 Asa was the father of Jehoshaphat, Jehoshaphat the father of Joram, and Joram the father of Uzziah.

Note: Rehoboam was a bad father who had a bad son named Abijah. Abijah, a bad man, had a good son named Asa. Righteous Asa however, raised Jehoshaphat who was a good son. But he in turn had Joram, who was a bad son! 

What can we learn from this? Our father’s righteousness cannot be inherited. This is bad news for me. But we also see that if goodness is not hereditary, neither is badness. This is good news for my children.

 

A casual reading of the four passages does give one the idea that God punishes you for the sins of your fathers. But if you read them carefully again and note the phrases in red, you will see that it is not that straightforward.

  • Exodus 20:5 you shall not bow down to them nor serve them. For I, the LORD your God, am a jealous God, visiting [punishing, NIV] the iniquity of the fathers upon the children to the third and fourth generations of those who hate Me,
  • Exodus 34:7 keeping mercy for thousands, forgiving iniquity and transgression and sin, by no means clearing the guilty, visiting [punishes, NIV] the iniquity of the fathers upon the children and the children's children to the third and the fourth generation."
  • Deuteronomy 5:9 you shall not bow down to them nor serve them. For I, the LORD your God, am a jealous God, visiting [punishing, NIV] the iniquity of the fathers upon the children to the third and fourth generations of those who hate Me,
  • Jeremiah 32:18-19 You show lovingkindness to thousands, and repay the iniquity of the fathers into the bosom of their children after them -- the Great, the Mighty God, whose name is the LORD of hosts. 19 You are great in counsel and mighty in work, for your eyes are open to all the ways of the sons of men, to give everyone according to his ways and according to the fruit of his doings.

 

Each person stands on his own. Each man is responsible for his own sin. Regardless of the predisposition that may come from good or bad parenting, the children can accept the good and escape the bad if they so choose. The son will not bear the guilt of his father.

  • Ezekiel 18:2-4, 9, 11, 13, 14, 17 “What do you mean by using this proverb oncerning the land of Israel, saying, ‘The fathers eat the sour grapes, but the children’s teeth are set on edge’? As I live, declares the Lord God, you are surely not going to use this proverb in Israel anymore. Behold, all souls are Mine; the soul of the father as well as the soul of the son is Mine. The soul who sins will die. But if a man is righteous and practices justice and righteousness…9b he is righteous and will surely live. Then he may have a violent son…11 though he himself did not do any of these things…13 will he (the son) live? He will not live!...14 Now behold, he has a son who has observed all his fathers sins which he committed, and observing does not do likewise…17b he will not die for his father’s iniquity, he will surely live.
  • Ezekiel 18:20-24 The person who sins will die. The son will not bear the punishment for the father’s iniquity, nor will the father bear the punishment for the son’s iniquity; the righteiousness of the righteous will be upon himself, and the wickedness of the wicked will be upon himself. But if the wicked man turns from all his sins which he has committed and observes all My statutes and practices justice and righteousness, he shall surely live; he shall not die. All his transgressions which he has committed will not be remembered against him, because of his righteousness which he has practiced, he will live. Do I have any pleasure in the death of the wicked, declares the Lord God, rather than that he should turn from his ways and live? But when a righteous man turns away from his righteousness, commits iniquity and does according to all the abominations that a wicked man does, will he live? All his righteous deeds which he has done will not be remembered for his treachery which he has committed and his sin which he has committed; for them he will die.
  • Jeremiah 31:29-30 In those days they will not say again, ‘The fathers have eaten sour grapes, and the children’s teeth are set on edge.’ But everyone will die for his own iniquity; each man who eats the sour grapes, his teeth will be set on edge.

 

 Though we bear a great responsibility as parents, the responsibility does not solely rest on us. Just as our Heavenly Father is not responsible for His children’s sin, our earthly parents are not responsible for the decisions we make. Their examples are mitigating factors, but they are not excuses.

That fact takes a great weight off the shoulders of young parents who are struggling to know how to best parent their children. They simply need to do the best they can with what they know, keeping in mind that each child will eventually have to make up its mind as to whether or not it will follow in their footsteps.

We simply need to be “good enough” parents to give our children the best chance possible.