When Is It the Right Time to Leave a Church?
When
is it right to leave a local church? What are the legitimate reasons to
separate yourself from a local expression of the body
of Christ? How can you avoid a schismatic spirit that disdains the unity of
Christ's church?
Before
answering these questions, it is important that we acknowledge the unique
temptations that we face in our day. Ours is a time when Christians have a
lesser sense of commitment and loyalty to the local church than perhaps at any
time in history; and this is a serious problem.
It
is a problem because the church is precious to our Lord and it ought to be
precious to the Lord's people. He died to create the church. He rules from
heaven on behalf of his church. He prayed for the unity of his church.
Yet
Christians flit about from church to church as if they were trying on shoes. We
have developed a consumer mentality when it comes to participation in a local
fellowship, visiting one and then another, looking for the perfect fit. In the
process we avoid any sense of commitment to a body of believers and deny the
principle of unity which is fundamental to the very nature of Christ's body.
It
is part of a neurosis that afflicts most of our society today. Everyone is
looking for perfection and in the process discarding whatever falls short of
that standard. Men seek the perfect mate and so enter into what amounts to
serial marriage through divorce. They seek the perfect job and so transfer from
one company to another. They seek the perfect home and community and so move on
average every three to five years. They seek the perfect church and so hop from
Bible Fellowship this to Christian Center that.
But,
of course, the search is a vain one. We will never find perfection in our
spouse, our job, our community, or our church. The result is that we simply end
up disconnected and frustrated.
The
affliction of denominationalism is another part of the problem as there is such
a variety of churches from which to choose. And the fervor of the anti-denominationalists
only adds to the confusion as the options are multiplied by an infinite variety
of independent churches, each likewise trumpeting their uniqueness.
Whatever the causes, however, we
must acknowledge the tragedy of the low level of commitment of most believers
to a local assembly. For this reason it is especially important that we deal
carefully with the question of leaving a church.
What are some reasons
people offer for leaving church?
1. Relocation - moving to another
area (but many do not find a church)
2. A change in leadership
3. Family issues
4. Change of hours at work
5. Spiritual needs unmet
6. Backslidden, or grown cold
7. Called out by God
8. Offended by preacher
9. Offended by another member
10. Heresy is being preached, or fundamental doctrine being omitted
11.
12. Burn out
13. Getting married and choosing
the partner's church
14. Friends going elsewhere
15. Upset about decisions
16. Immorality of leaders, or
mishandling funds
17. Not feeling appreciated
18. Discouragement
19. Heard of a better church
As a pastor it is sometimes difficult to not be personally offended at
those who come into the fellowship of the body of Christ and then, for whatever
reasons, decide to drop out. Amazingly, those given the most attention and
fussed over to a fault are often the ones who drop out faster than others.
There are many reasons for the dropouts of the church and society. Most
of these reasons are merely excuses. Jesus asked some people to follow him (Luke
Let us first set aside some
reasons which are not a legitimate basis for leaving a fellowship of
believers.
What are some bad reasons to leave?
1. The Excuse of Others
Often people don’t stay with the church because they find offense in
others. They come to the church with the mistaken notion that it is a provider
of entitlements. They shop for church as they do for fast food. They want a
little McChurch and might even suffer a few McSermons on Sunday. But don't ask them for any service or
involvement. They come asking a myriad of questions. "Do you have a youth
minister who can play with the kids? Do you have an attended nursery so we
don't have to be bothered with the baby? Do you have an aerobics class and free
counseling?" What a shame! You see they are coming not seeking salvation
or service to the Master, but membership in a club. They want all the perks of
body life but are unwilling to extend themselves in providing the same thing
for others. They are takers, not seekers. When they don't find their felt
needs, every one of them, met by the church staff and members, they drop out.
Actually, they were never in the body in the first place. As the apostle John
stated,
It
is not right to leave a church simply to run away from problems. If we
are having trouble in our relationships with certain people, for example, then
we need to draw on the grace of God to overcome those difficulties. We may need
to grow in the fruit of the Spirit, gaining more patience, kindness and love.
Running away short-circuits the very process God may want to use to conform us more nearly to the image of Christ.
2.
The Excuse of Time
Many have said that after leaving the church that they just didn’t have
enough time in their schedules to be active members of the body of Christ. And
yet as often as not their houses (for I could scarcely call them homes) are run
like Grand Central Station where family members drop in to refuel and then are
out again to do whatever it is that fills their lives. They have time for bridge
club, and the spa, and tennis lessons, and tap lessons, and track meets, and
seminars, and a 300-column newspaper to read, plus three hours on the computer,
and four in front of the TV, ad nauseam. But they have no time to serve and
worship the Lord.
So many of us have lives so full we hardly have time to rest. No wonder
families are falling apart. Without time for spiritual and emotional renewal,
it's a wonder folks this busy even have time to think of church and eternity.
3. The Excuse of Poor
Leadership
“We just don’t like the way you’re running
things” some say. They may be right. Perhaps there are some leadership
problems. Perhaps a young pastor’s inexperience can lead to poor decisions. Perhaps
an older pastor who has faithfully served for decades is lacking in
flexibility. Perhaps financial problems are worrying the church. Sometimes
morale is sagging due to bad decisions. A lack of vision may be creating an
internal sickness.
There is a tendency to look for someone to
blame and as often as not, the fingers begin pointing at the pastor. But
decisions are rarely made solely by the pastor and we need to determine if the
problem is the pastor’s or if it is more systemic. There is an aphorism that
states “you get the leadership you deserve.” Perhaps the problem is that there
is not enough mutual accountability. Perhaps the people need to step up to the
plate and let their leadership know their concerns.
But sometimes the leadership is
not approachable. Sometimes they keep trying to cure the church with their own
diagnosis and prescription rather than God’s. Sometimes they will not listen to
their people. Does this necessarily mean you have to leave the church? Not
always. Perhaps it’s time for a revival in the church. Maybe it’s time for new
leadership. Maybe it IS time for you to go – just don’t think that it’s an
absolute.
4. The Excuse of a Different
Style
Church members will often leave because
they yearn for another style of ministry. They desire a different style of
preaching or worship. They hunger for a certain style of music. Their
expectations about a church might come from a church, pastor, or program they
had in another town. But a church is not like a restaurant. You don’t just
leave a church because you have developed a yen for a different flavor of the
month!
5. The Excuse of a Specific
Program
When asked, “How did you discover our
church?” people will often respond “We heard about the church because of the
youth program. Some friends told us about your youth ministry” or “We really
like the Music Ministry of our new church,” they respond. But a church is a holistic
experience and you should not determine your membership based solely on one
program.
Besides, that’s a pretty selfish motive – a
self-centered motive. The thought is “how can this church serve me” instead of
“how can I serve my brothers and sisters? How can I serve Christ?”
6. The Excuse of Disillusionment
William D. Hendricks talks about a “dark
side” to the church. He details numerous stories about people leaving their
churches in his book, Exit Interviews. He writes, “Despite glowing reports of
surging church attendance, more and more Christians in North America are
feeling disillusioned with the church and other formal, institutional
expressions of Christianity." (Chicago: Moody Press,
1993, p. 17). These people remove themselves from the church out of
frustration with structure or bureaucracy.
People often experience disillusionment
because they have been serving in ministry or in leadership and have seen the
ugly side of the human sin nature at its worst. But Christ also saw the worst
in humanity and served anyway. He loved us in that while we were yet sinners He
died for us. Ministry is not about getting patted on the back and stroked and
everyone liking you. Christ was underappreciated. Paul was underappreciated. If
you are doing things right, odds are good you will also be underappreciated.
However, this cannot be the underlying motive for leaving a church or a
ministry.
7. The Excuse of Inner
Hurts
People will at times shock you by informing
you of their imminent departure from church. “It’s in the best interest of our
family,” they may say. Often, however, they will come up with some kind of
excuse of how they were offended or the choir sings off key or whatever. But a while later you find out the sad news of their divorce, or of
his affair, or of her losing her job due to fiscal irresponsibility or worse.
Rather than seek help in the church, people will flee the church. They retreat
to ease the surprise and embarrassment of their impending disaster.
Not every person who leaves the church
because of inner hurt leaves on bad terms. Some leave to seek answers to their
hurt. Still others take flight to find the acceptance they have missed. But at
the very time they need help and support the most – they run.
8. The Excuse of Church
Size
“I sure have missed you at church,” you say
in casual conversation to a person who has been gone. They reply, “Don’t take
it personally, but the church has gotten too big for us. We like a smaller
church.” Sometimes the church may grow too large. In other cases the church may
not be large enough. But once again we come back to a wrong perspective. The
thought pattern is based on what makes that person comfortable. The premise is
false – it is a prideful, self-seeking mindset.
9. The Excuse of
Boredom
God has not given us the inalienable right to bore each other in the
name of Jesus. Gatherings of disciples should be the highlights of our week.
Too many lessons are dry and ineffectual. This is a fact. Classes should be led
by teachers who know the book and live it. Sermons should be dynamic and make
us feel like walking closer to the Master after we hear them. They should also
challenge us to reach down into ourselves and come up with the wherewithal to
let our faith be felt wherever we go.
But
if someone says to me he has quit attending because a class was boring I would
have to tell him the class wasn't presented for his entertainment and that if
it was boring it was his responsibility to help make it interesting. By the
way, usually the high critic has never volunteered to teach a class in his
life. If we approach church as some institution to meet all our felt needs and
to serve us instead of us being body members who are active and eager to serve
others, it's a wonder we would hang around at all.
10. The Excuse
of Weakness
Like an automobile that needs some mechanical attention, people will sputter
and quit now and then before they stop altogether. A brother in Christ may confide
that the reason he is starting to miss assemblies is because he is just too
weak to walk the walk. But he is a prime candidate to keep on keeping on and to
stay with it. He may feel he is unable to overcome the sin in his life. But if
he actually wants to walk with Jesus and overcome his demons then I reason that
if he would keep with it and keep praying and trying, the Lord would eventually
empower him in the Holy Spirit to overcome the evil one in his life. The very
reason for dropping out is one of the greatest for staying in.
11. The Excuse
of Family
Sally is her name. She comes to church with her two children who are
pre-schoolers. With a vivacious presence she jumps
into the programs available, not to be served, but to participate in them. She
even volunteers to teach a Sunday School class. This
is the kind of new member that ministers just adore. They seem to have that
drive that makes them low maintenance. But within six months Sally will start
to miss services. When approached, it all comes down to her husband's inability
to encourage her. He might even make fun of her eagerness to be a "goodie
two shoes." She’ll be finally beaten down to the point where she just wants
to give up.
Perhaps more than anyone people whose families are not supportive may
have the most understandable cause for burnout. With much love and
encouragement Sally needs to recommit herself to Jesus and hopefully eventually
win her husband to Christ. But if Sally quits, what are her chances of leading
her husband to the Lord?
12. The Excuse
of God
“Where was God when my son died?" the sobbing man asks with tears running down
his heavy cheeks. Standing beside the casket of his teen-age boy, the
thoughtful preacher answers, "John, He was right where He was when His Son
died."
Perhaps it is understandable why people will shake their fists in the
face of God and presume to accuse him of malfeasance. "If I were God I
would not let babies be born deformed. If I were God I would not allow
suffering in the world. If I were God I would not let wars and famine and
earthquakes occur." But we aren't God, are we?
Actually, the problem of pain is only a hurdle for believers. Atheists
don't have the right to quarrel with the Almighty because they think this is
all one big bang of an accident in the first place. And maybe it did begin with
a bang, but God was the one who lit that firecracker.
Human
suffering is the hardest obstacle to overcome in the minds of many. Much
suffering is brought upon ourselves by our own behavior, or those around us. We
do suffer the consequences of the evil that surrounds us. But not all pain is
self-induced. And this is where those with skeptical minds feed their
misgivings. Tornadoes. Earthquakes.
Volcanoes. Famines. Floods. These natural disasters we flippantly refer to as
"acts of God." Though we don't have all the answers for why people
suffer, perhaps the sacred hymn provides some solace: "We'll understand it
better by and by." Punishing God by punishing the Church is not an
adequate answer. If you are hurting, you need the loving support of your church
family more than ever.
13. The
Hedonistic Excuse
One tragic line of thinking is the idea that we are here to grab for all the
gusto we can get. We want a Michelob weekend and all the trimmings and we want
it right now. Some of us are an impatient lot as we feel the constant urge to
experience every known sensation a body can have. I've had people tell me that
life had too much fun to offer and that church restrained them from that.
Well, I agree with these folks in the sense that I think church should be
fun, and many of us church folk have missed the point of "church" in
the first place. Too often our assemblies are designed to produce sad, pious,
pursed lips and frowns on our faces when the writer of Hebrews tells us that
our gatherings should provoke us to love and good works. Unfortunately, we do a
lot of provoking, but not the right kind.
Without
going into more detail, let me just say that our assemblies ought to be more
fun than getting drunk, and committing adultery, and stripping at the beach,
and attempting to grab for all the gusto we can get crammed into one lifetime.
Church is people. Church is the body of Christ, with active and vibrant
members. It's truly a family affair. When we allow the pastor to do all the
work and have all the fun, we miss out. Let's not buy the devil's lie that
church can't be fun. Let's make it fun. For everything we do when we are
together that goads us to love and good deeds is just the ticket for a great
and exciting life.
14.
The Excuse of Not Making Connections
Demographic
studies have revealed that if new members in a church do not
"connect" with at least three others that befriend them and help
disciple them, they will drop out within six months. This perhaps explains why
so many choose to leave the church. "Discipling"
is not always easy. Jesus said to make disciples, baptize them, and then
disciple them some more. If a baby is left to fend for himself he will die.
Spiritual babies also need tender loving care and guidance. This is the heart
of discipling. We don't like to admit it because it
puts the onus on us, the rank and file of the congregation. So, instead of
writing people off as merely weak and disinterested, perhaps we had better take
another look at how we welcome and assimilate new faces that come in among us.
However, the Bible also says that if a man
wants to have friends he must show himself to be friendly. Before you leave
that church due to a lack of connections let me ask you something. How many people
have you invited over to your house? How many bowling games have you gone to
with someone else? How many after service fellowships have you attended? Or do
you run out of the church at the last “Amen?”
15.
The Excuse of a Lack of Perfection
Based
on what has already been written we conclude that a lack of perfection is not a reason to leave a church. Any church
will have problems and no one is going to have his needs totally met in any
fellowship. Let us not be surprised that things are not as we would like them
to be. That is the nature of life in this sinful world, and we are part of the
problem. Our presence in the church may be part of what keeps it from being a
perfect place from someone else's point of view! Leaving because things are not
perfect simply reveals our low level of faithfulness.
16. The Excuse of Our Views Being Challenged
We
should never leave a church because we
are being challenged about our doctrine or pattern of life and find it
uncomfortable. We ought always to be ready to examine what we believe and what
we do by the standard of the Word of God, and we should not feel threatened by
someone challenging our cherished notions. How else can we grow? The Bible says
that “Intelligent
people are always open to new ideas. In fact, they look for them.” (Prov. 18:15) It
is sad how immature so many Christians are, how unable to enter into discussion
about important questions of life and doctrine. It is precisely because there
is one Truth which is revealed in Scripture that believers need to be able to
deliberate and learn from one another so that they can be faithful to Christ
and his Word alone.
WHAT ARE SOME GOOD REASONS FOR LEAVING?
Christians
need to be committed to the church! Lack of commitment to other Christians can
never be the reason for departing. Actually, the only reason for leaving a
church should be, in reality, a desire for more commitment to the body of
Christ. What, then, are the legitimate reasons to make one's departure?
The first reason one may choose to leave a church
is that its leaders do not teach the Bible's doctrines faithfully.
Paul could say after his three-year ministry in
A
father must decide if a church's teaching is faithful to the Scriptures. If he
believes it deviates at some point, he then has to decide if it is a matter of
sufficient weight to justify breaking fellowship. The doctrine of the deity of
Christ is fundamental. So is the doctrine of Bible inspiration. Failure in
regard to these issues would present clear reasons for separation. However,
doctrines related to tithing or the nature of the millennium probably do not
constitute a basis for departure.
A second reason for leaving a church is that its
leaders do not teach, model and promote a biblical pattern of life.
The Bible not only teaches a set of ideas we are to believe; it also teaches a
pattern of life we are to follow. Paul wrote, "Join with others in
following my example, brothers, and take note of those who live according to
the pattern we gave you" (Phil.
Liberals
in the apostate mainline denominations are likely to fail the doctrinal test.
They will tend to hold views which are contrary to the clear teaching of
Scripture, like a denial of the physical resurrection of Jesus or inerrant
quality of the Scriptures. Evangelicals, on the other hand, those of us who
take the Bible very seriously when it comes to fundamental doctrines, are apt
to fail the lifestyle test. We often do not take the Bible seriously as a guide
for our pattern of life.
Evangelicals
will affirm the bodily resurrection but deny in practice that gossip is an
abomination to God and destructive of the peace of the church. They will affirm
the virgin birth but deny in practice that God requires them to protect their
children from evil influences that militate against the faith. They will affirm
the substitutionary atonement but deny in practice
that debt is slavery and to be avoided at all costs. They will affirm the
verbal inspiration of Scripture but deny in practice that God hates divorce and
that it is tantamount to adultery. They will affirm justification by grace
through faith but deny in practice that men are to sacrificially serve their
wives as Christ loved the church and women are to submit to the spiritual
leadership of their husbands. In short, they tend to affirm Bible doctrines
while disobeying the Bible's pattern for life.
Neither
the liberal nor the evangelical way of denying the authority of Scripture is
acceptable. God means for his Word to be believed (doctrine) and he means for
his Word to be obeyed (life).
So
church leaders must not only teach Bible doctrine; they must also model
biblical ways of living. Imagine a leader who is obese because of gluttony and
lack of self-control; he teaches the importance of limiting family size; his
children are not under control; he lives beyond his means on credit; and he has
been divorced but his doctrine is impeccable. Could you remain under the
authority of someone who so denies the Bible by his life? Could your family
continue to maintain fellowship in a church whose leaders so disregard the
clear teachings of God's Word?
A third reason for leaving a church is its failure
to practice discipleship and discipline. This is contrary to
popular ways of thinking. Many leave because they are under church discipline
or they are offended by the fact that someone else is under church discipline.
But discipleship and discipline are closely related in form and meaning.
Discipleship is the process of training someone to live the Christian life.
Discipline refers to the correction and sanctions that are imposed on one who
professes faith in Christ but who fails to live the Christian life.
Jesus'
last instruction to his followers was to go and make disciples (Matt. 28:19).
This was to be accomplished by "teaching them to obey everything I have
commanded you" (v. 20). A church is failing in its fundamental task if it
is not making disciples, if it is not teaching its members how to live a life
of obedience, if it is not equipping people to live according the pattern of
life set forth in Scripture.
A
man should expect his church to provide training in both Bible doctrine and
biblical patterns of life. He should be instructed in the fundamentals of the
faith so that he can become a good workman (2 Tim.
Jesus
also instructed his disciples how to deal with professing believers who refuse
to repent when confronted with sin in their lives (Matt.
Too
few churches provide training for the Christian life. Fewer still practice
church discipline. Yet both of these are essential to a healthy church. A lack
of them is reason to seek another place of fellowship.
We
could summarize our three points this way: It is legitimate to leave a
church when its leaders dishonor Christ by a failure to apply his Word to
themselves and the congregation in matters of doctrine and life. Although
separation should always be accomplished with some measure of grief, it is
sometimes necessary for the honor of Christ and as an expression of loyalty to
his Word to separate from a Christian body.
Separation
has a long and esteemed tradition in church history. Even as the Roman church
reached the pinnacle of worldliness there were the Waldenses
and Albigenses, the Lollards
and the Hussites. These small sects sheltered the
light of biblical faith in very dark times. During the English Reformation the
Separatists broke from the corrupt state church in order to follow pure
biblical doctrine and life. These saints became the Pilgrims who settled
The
goal of separation is always a more pure church. However, not everyone who
becomes convinced that a church needs purification believes that it is best to
leave the church. Some become like the Puritans in
When
it comes to separating from evangelical churches the choice becomes much more
difficult. Again, these churches affirm the right doctrine, and they are often
filled with many sincere Christians who love the Lord. But if they deny the
Bible when it comes to the teaching and practice of biblical lifestyle, it may
be necessary to separate for the sake of Christ and the spiritual health of
one's family.
So what should I do?
1. Don't leave your
church immediately! Jesus laid his life down for us (John
2. Make sure you are
an example of what you are advocating before you speak (Matt. 23:3). Why
would any body of elders or pastor be interested in a new way of doing things
when your own life does not exemplify the principles of which you speak?
3. You must submit to
the leadership (Hebrews
4. Get any and all
logs out of your own eyes before speaking to the elders (Matthew 7:1-6).
Anything that the church or elders may have against you (on any previous issue)
must first be dealt with by you (Matthew
5. Speak to the
leadership in love (Ephesians
6. Provide them with
resources and give them time. The best thing you can do is get out of the
way. Assume the best. Assume they love the Lord, want what is best and will be
open. Don't keep pressing the issue unless they ask questions. Follow up once a
month with a short and simple inquiry as to their conclusions. Love is patient
(1 Cor. 13:4) and kind.
By “patient” I mean how long you
are willing to wait. By “kind” I mean how you speak. Remember elders have a
responsibility you do not have. They must be careful in what they present to
the flock. Even if they become convinced, they will need time to get others on
board with their new thinking. They will need time to think through the
implications and how best to implement a new path. Often they will move in the
right direction but will need to walk in their new convictions for a while
before arriving at: the same place you have come.
7. Be
truly teachable. It could be that the problem is you and not the teaching
of the church. Sometimes people will say “I am not being fed” but the reality
of the matter is that they do not like the truth they are being told and they
refuse the food! Make sure that this is not true of you. Do not rebel to the
Word of God but humble yourself under the mighty hand of God.
8. Practice your
convictions with humility (1 Peter 5:5-7). “You younger men, likewise, be subject to your
elders; and all of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, for
God is opposed to the proud, but gives grace to the humble. Therefore humble youselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt
you at the proper time, casting all your anxiety on Him, because He cares for
you.” Sometimes your quiet gentle spirit will model the proper way of doing
things and will slowly change the way things are done in your church. Regardless,
even if you end up having to leave, at least you will have modeled
righteousness to those you left behind.
9. Be a servant to
the church (Mark
10. Be a witness
(Matthew
11. Seek counsel
(Prov.
12. Finally, you cannot wait forever. There may come a time to leave. However, you must aim to find the proper response between the extremes of, on the one hand, walking out the minute there is resistance to your ideas and, on the other hand, never joining in fellowship with like-minded saints.
We
live in dangerous and exciting times. They are dangerous because of the
temptations that accompany the need for separation. They are exciting because
the Lord is at work calling the remnant of his people out of compromise and
into holiness.
May
God grant that the result of your decision is indeed a purified people who
earnestly devote themselves to Christ and his Word.