Honoring the Dead
One Sunday
morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church
staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names with small American
flags mounted on either side of it.
The seven
year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up,
stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, "Good morning Alex."
"Good
morning, Pastor, what is this?" he asked the pastor.
The pastor
said, "Well, son, it's a memorial plaque to all the young men and women
who died in the Service."
Soberly,
they just stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, little Alex's
voice, barely audible and trembling with fear, he asked, "Which service,
the
THE SAFEST PLACE
How to stay safe in the world today.
1. Avoid
riding in automobiles because they are responsible for 20% of all fatal
accidents.
2. Do not
stay home because 17% of all accidents occur in the home.
3. Avoid
walking on streets or sidewalks because 14% of all accidents occur to
pedestrians.
4. Avoid
traveling by air, rail, or water because 16% of all accidents involve these
forms of transportation.
5. Of the
remaining 33%, 32% of all deaths occur in hospitals. So... above all else…avoid
hospitals.
BUT ,
... You will be pleased to learn that only
.001% of all deaths occur in worship services in church, and these are usually
related to previous physical disorders. Therefore, logic tells us that the
safest place for you to be at any given point in time is at church!
You can only try
A pastor of a certain church was being accused by
some in his church of not involving others in the business of the church. He
tended to do everything himself. So, as the church was preparing for Christmas
services, the pastor decided they needed banner made for the entryway and had a
parishioner call the sign company. He gave the parishioner the exact message
and the dimensions needed.
The parishioner called the sign company as the pastor requested. The
parishioner even went and picked up the sign and mounted it over the entryway
for the pastor.
The pastor drove up to the church and read...
"Unto Mary, Jesus was born, six feet long and
two feet wide."
Pastor's Business Card
A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his
parishioners. At one House it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no
answer came to his repeated knocks at the door.
Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on
The back of it and stuck it in the door.
When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card
had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, "Genesis
Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.
Revelation
Elijah and the False Prophets
The Sunday
school teacher was carefully explaining the story of Elijah the prophet and the
false prophets of Baal. She explained how Elijah built the altar, put wood upon
it, cut the steer in pieces, and laid it upon the altar. Then Elijah commanded
the people of God to fill four barrels of water and pour it over the altar. He
had them do this four times –
“Now,” said
the teacher, “can anyone in the class tell me why the Lord would have Elijah
pour water over the steer on the altar?”
A little
girl in the back of the room started waving her hand, “I know! I know!” she
said, “To make gravy!”
The Sunday
school teacher was describing how Lot’s wife looked back and tuned into a
pillar of salt, when little Jason interrupted, “My Mommy looked back once while
she was driving,” he announced triumphantly, “and she turned into a telephone
pole!”
Good Samaritan
A Sunday
school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan, in which
a man was beaten, robbed and left for dead. She described the situation in
vivid detail so her students would catch the drama. Then she asked the class,
“If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what
would you do?”
A thoughtful
little girl broke the silence, “I think I’d throw up.”
Did Noah Fish
A Sunday School teacher asked, “Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot
of fishing when he was on the
“No,” Johnny replied. “How could he, with just two
worms?”
Higher Power
A Sunday
school teacher said to her children, “We have been learning how powerful kings
and queens were in Bible times. But there is a higher power. Can anybody tell
me what it is?”
One child
blurted out, “Aces!”
Moses and the
Nine-year-old
Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday school.
“Well, Mom,
our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission
to lead the Israelites out of
“Now Joey, is that really what the teacher taught you?” His
mother asked.
“Well…no…but
if I told it the way the teacher did, you’d never believe it!”
The 23rd Psalm
A Sunday
school teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted
passages in the Bible, Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the
verse. Little Rick was excited about the task – but he just couldn’t remember
the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line. On the
day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 Rickey was nervous. When it
was his turn, he stood up and said proudly, “The Lord is my Shepherd, and
that’s all I need to know.”
Anything Breakable?
A very quick
witted elderly Christian lady was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in
another part of the country.
“Is there
anything breakable in her?” asked the postal clerk.
“Only the
Ten Commandments,” answered the lady.
You’ll Get Yours
Sunday after
church a Mom asked her very young daughter what her Sunday school lesson was
about. The daughter answered, “Don’t be scared you’ll get your quilt.”
Needless to
say the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, she called and asked the teacher
about the lesson. “The theme of the lesson,” he answered, “was ‘Don’t be
afraid, thy comforter is coming.”
The Prayer of a Righteous Man Avails Much
Mrs. Donovan was walking down
The priest said, "Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donvan and
didn't I marry ye and yer hoosband 2 years ago?"
She replied, "Aye, that ye did, Fadder."
The Father asked, "And be there any wee little ones yet?"
She replied, "No, not yet, Fadder."
Father Flaherty said, "Well, now, I'm goin' to
She replied, "Oh, thank ye, Fadder." They
then parted ways.
Some years later they met again and Father Flaherty
asked, "Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?"
She replied, "Oh, very well, Fadder!"
The priest then asked, "And tell me, have ye any been blessed with any wee
ones yet?"
She replied, "Oh yes, Fadder! T'ree sets o'twins and 4 singles, 10 in
all."
He then responded, "That's wonderful! How is yer loving hoosband?"
She replied, "E's gone to
Biblical Headlines
If biblical
events were being covered by today's media, these would be the headlines...
On Red Sea crossing:
WETLANDS TRAMPLED IN LABOR STRIKE
Enforcement Officials Killed While Pursuing Unruly Mob
On David vs. Goliath:
HATE CRIME KILLS BELOVED CHAMPION OF
RELIEF TROOPS
Psychologist Questions Significance of Rock Used as Weapon
On the prophet Elijah on Mt. Carmel:
FIRE SENDS RELIGIOUS ACTIVIST INTO
FRENZY
400 Killed In Unprovoked Attack
On the birth of Christ:
HOTELS FULL, ANIMALS EJECTED FROM
SHELTER
Animal Rights Advocates Enraged by Insensitive Couple
On feeding the 5,000:
LAY PREACHER STEALS CHILD'S LUNCH
Disciples Mystified Over Behavior
On healing the 10 lepers:
QUACK PREYS ON TERMINALLY ILL
Authorities Investigating Use of Non-traditional Medical Procedure
On healing of the two demon-possessed men
in Gadarenes:
MADMAN CAUSES STAMPEDE
Local Farmer Faces Bankruptcy After Loss of Hogs
On raising Lazarus from the dead:
ITINERANT PREACHER RAISES STINK
Will Now Being Contested by Lawyers of Heirs
The Way to the Post Office
A little boy
was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery store. As he waited, he
was approached by a man who asked, "Son, can you tell me where the post
office is?"
The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street a coupla
blocks and turn to your right."
The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town. I'd
like for you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get to
Heaven."
The little boy replied with a chuckle, "Awww, come on; you don't even know
the way to the post office."
Monastery Life
A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the
other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.
He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not
from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to
question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the
first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued
in all of the subsequent copies.
The head monk, an old abbot says, "We have been copying from the
copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."
The old abbot goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery
where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that
hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees him.
So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees
the elderly monk banging his head against the wall and wailing, "We missed
the ‘R’! We missed the ‘R’ !"
His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.
The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"
With A choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word
was...CELEBRATE!!!"
Christian
One-Liners
Who wants to go?
A pastor at
a frontier church ended a stirring sermon with, "All those who want to go
to heaven, put up your hands!" Everybody enthusiastically raised their
hands ... everybody except a grizzled old cowboy who had been slouching against
the door post at the back of the room.
All heads turned as he sauntered up to the front, spurs jangling and said,
"Preacher, that was too easy. How d'ya know if
these folks are serious? I can gar-an-tee to prove who really means it and who
don't!"
Bemused and not a little frightened the preacher said, "Ok, my friend, go
ahead and put the faith of these good people to the test. Ask them anything you
want."
At that the cowboy pulled his twin six-shooters, turned to the audience and
said, "Alright ... who wants to go heaven ... raise your hands!"
Honesty in prayer
A man had a habit of grumbling at the food his wife placed before him at family
meals. Then he would ask the blessing.
One day after his usual combination complaint-prayer, his little girl asked,
"Daddy, does God hear us when we pray?"
"Why, of course," he replied. "He hears us every time we
pray."
She on this a moment, and asked, "Does he hear everything we say the rest
of the time?"
"Yes, dear, every word," he replied, encouraged that he had inspired
his daughter to be curious about spiritual matters. However, his pride was
quickly turned to humility when she asked:
"Then which does God believe?"
Afraid of the dark
A little boy was afraid of the dark. One night his mother told him to go out to
the back porch and bring her the broom.
The little boy turned to his mother and said, "Mama, I don't want to go
out there. It's dark."
The mother smiled reassuringly at her son. "You don't have to be afraid of
the dark," she explained. "Jesus is out there. He'll look after you
and protect you."
The little boy looked at his mother real hard and asked, "Are you sure
he's out there?"
"Yes, I'm sure. He is everywhere, and he is always ready to help you when
you need him," she said.
The little boy thought about that for a minute and then went to the back door
and cracked it a little. Peering out into the darkness, he called, "Jesus?
If you're out there, would you please hand me the broom?"
For medicinal purposes only
There was a nun whose worn out body began to surrender. Her doctor prescribed
for her a shot of whiskey three times a day to relax her. Not to be lured into
"worldly pleasures", she huffily declined.
But the Mother Superior knew the elderly sister loved milk. So she instructed
the kitchen to spike the milk three times a day.
After a few more years, even that spiked milk couldn't help and the aged sister
approached her final hour. As several nuns gathered around her at her bedside,
the Mother Superior asked if she wanted to leave them with any words of wisdom.
"Oh, yes," she replied. "Never sell that cow!"
The modern ark
In 2000, the Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In six months I am going to
make it rain until the whole world is covered with water and all the evil
things are destroyed. But, I want to save a few good people and two of every
living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build an ark." And in a
flash of lightning, he delivered the specifications for the ark.
"OK," Noah said, trembling with fear and fumbling with the blueprints,
"I'm your man."
Six months passed, the sky began to cloud up, and the rain began to fall in
torrents. The Lord looked down and saw Noah sitting in his yard, weeping, and
there was no ark.
"Noah!" shouted the Lord, "Where is my ark?" A lightning
bolt crashed into the ground right beside Noah.
"Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best, but
there were some big problems." Noah continued, "First, I had to get a
building permit for the ark's construction, but your plans did not meet their
code. I had to hire an engineer to redo the plans, only to get into a long
argument with him about whether to include a sprinkler system.
“My neighbors objected, claiming that I was violating zoning ordinances by
building the ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city
planning board. Then I had a big problem getting enough wood for the ark,
because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the Spotted Owl. I tried to
convince the environmentalists and the US Fish and Wildlife Service that I
needed the wood to save the owls, but they wouldn't budge and on top of that
wouldn't allow me to catch a pair of Spotted Owls.”
“Next, I started gathering up the animals but got sued by an animal rights
group that objected to me taking along only two of each kind. In addition to
that, the Association of Gay and Lesbian also sued me for not bring in 2 male
or 2 female pairs.”
“Just when all the suits got dismissed, the EPA notified me that I couldn't
complete the ark without filling out an environmental impact statement on your
proposed flood. They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no
jurisdiction over the Supreme Being.”
“Then the Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed flood plan. I sent
them a globe!”
“Right now, I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal
Opportunities Commission over how many minorities I'm supposed to hire. The IRS
has seized all my assets claiming that I am trying to leave the country, and I
just got a notice from the state that I owe some kind of use tax.”
“Really, my Lord, I don't think I can finish the ark in less than five
years."
With that, the sky cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow arched across
the sky. Noah looked up and smiled. "You mean you are not going to destroy
the world?" he asked hopefully.
"No," said the Lord. "The government already has."
Majority rules
4 rabbis had a series of theological arguments, and 3 were always in accord
against the fourth. One day, the odd rabbi out, with the usual "3 to 1,
majority rules" statement that signified that he had lost again, decided
to appeal to a higher authority. "Oh, God!" he cried. "I know in
my heart that I am right and they are wrong! Please show me a sign, so they too
will know that I understand Your laws."
It was a beautiful, sunny day. As soon as the rabbi finished his complaint, a
storm cloud moved across the sky above the four. It rumbled once and dissolved.
"A sign from God! See, I'm right, I knew
it!" But the other three disagreed, pointing out that storm clouds form on
hot days.
So he asked again: "Oh, God, I need a bigger sign to show that I am right
and they are wrong. So please, God, a bigger sign."
This time four storm clouds appeared, rushed toward each other to form one big
cloud, and a bolt of lightning knocked down a tree ten feet away from the
rabbis. The cloud dispersed at once. "I told you I was right!"
insisted the loner, but the others insisted that nothing had happened that
could not be explained by natural causes.
The insisting rabbi is all ready to ask for a *very big* sign when just as he
says "Oh God..." the sky turns pitch black, the earth shakes, and a
deep, booming voice intones, "HEEEEEEEE'S RIIIIIIIGHT!"
The sky returns to normal. The one rabbi puts his hands on his hips and says,
"Well?" "So," replied another, "now it's
His best golf score ever
It seems there was this priest who just LOVED to golf, but he had been very
busy for many months and had not been able to get away to go golfing. Well, one
Sunday morning he woke up and felt he just HAD to go golfing. The weather was
just beautiful.
He called up the Bishop and claimed he had a really bad case of laryngitis and
couldn't preach, so the Bishop told him to rest for several days. He then got
out his clubs and headed off for the golf course.
He set up at the first hole, making sure no one was there to see him playing
hooky, and blasted that ball with his wood. It was a beautiful shot! It went
straight and true; it bounced, and bounced (right up onto the green) and rolled
its way closer... closer... a hole in one! The priest jumped up and down in his
excitement.
He struts off to the green, collects his ball, and tees off at the second hole,
repeating his performance on the first hole, much to his astounded delight.
All this time St. Peter and God have been watching him from
the gates of heaven. St. Peter has finally seen enough to pique his
curiosity. "Lord," he says, "this priest seems to be a real
trouble maker. He ignored his congregation and even LIED to go golfing. And now
you reward him with a hole in one! Why?"
God smiles and looks over at St. Peter and says, "I'm punishing him ...
after he finishes his game by himself, who can he tell his story to?"
The great debate
At one point, the council of cardinals decided that they wanted to make
The head rabbi went back to the rabbinical council and said that a champion
must be chosen. No one was too eager, as the Pope was well known as an
intellectual and religious heavyweight. Finally, a Basque rabbi was chosen. As
Basque was one of the few languages that the Pope didn't speak (this was before
Hebrew was revived), the debate was to be carried out in sign language.
The Pope starts off the debate by making a sweeping gesture.
[Hands and arms in at chest; hands move up and out until arms in
scarecrow position; could be mistaken as symbolism for a rising sun.]
The rabbi responds by pointing adamantly at the ground.
The Pope thinks a bit, then holds up three fingers.
The rabbi holds up one finger.
The Pope begins to take communion.
The rabbi pulls out an apple and begins eating it.
At this point, the Pope concedes the debate.
The Pope returns to the council of cardinals, who ask what
happened.
[Begin repeating gestures.]
"Well, I said, 'God is everywhere', and he said, 'and God is
right here'. I then said 'God is a trinity', and he said, 'no, God is just
one'. As an act of good faith, I began to take the body of Christ in communion.
Then he pulled out an apple to show the sin in us all. He'd knocked me down
point for point, so I decided to conceded the
debate."
The rabbi returns to his fellows, who ask what
happened.
[Repeat gestures again.]
"Well, he said, 'you all gotta leave', and I said, 'no, we're
staying right here'. Then he said 'you have three days', and I said, 'not one
of us is leaving'. Then he broke for lunch, so I started eating mine."
How to Scare Off Counselees
Not every pastor enjoys counseling. But
other than by skipping town, how can you decrease the demand? Here, based on
specious clinical research, are a dozen methods guaranteed to keep counseling
off your to-do list.
12 Ways to Reduce Your Counseling Load
WWJD?
Police aren't perfect, but this cop
comes close to winning the ingenuity award.
A driver did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk even though he could
have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman behind him went ballistic, pounding on her horn and screaming
in frustration as she missed her chance to drive through the intersection with
him.
Still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of
a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her
hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched,
fingerprinted, photographed and placed in a cell.
After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door.
She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer w as
waiting with her personal effects.
He said, "I'm awfully sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind
your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping the guy off in front of
you, and cursing a blue streak at him. I
noticed the "Choose Life" license plate holder, the "What Would
Jesus Do?" bumper sticker, the "Follow me to Sunday School"
bumper sticker and the chrome plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk.
Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."
10
Excuses Not to Attend Church
If you took the excuses people use for not going to
church and applied them to other important areas of life, you'd realize how
inconsistent we can be in our logic. For example:
10 Reasons Not to
Bible Shorties
Q. Who was the greatest financier
in the Bible?
A. Noah--he was floating
his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.
Q. Who was the greatest female
financier in the Bible?
A. Pharoah's
daughter--she went down to the bank of the
Q. What kind of man was Boaz
before he got married?
A. Ruth-less.
Q. Who was the first drug addict
in the Bible?
A. Nebuchadnezzar--he was
on grass for seven years.
Q. What kind of motor vehicles
are in the Bible?
A. Jehovah drove Adam and
Eve out of the Garden in a Fury.
A. David's Triumph was heard throughout the land.
A. Honda... because the apostles were all in one Accord.
Q. Who was the greatest comedian
in the Bible?
A. Samson--he brought the
house down.
Q. Where is the first baseball
game in the Bible?
A. In the big inning, Eve
stole first, Adam stole second. Cain struck out Abel, and the Prodigal Son came
home. The Giants and the Angels were rained out.
Q. How did Adam and Eve feel when
expelled from the Garden of Eden?
A. They were really put
out.
Q. What is one of the first
things that Adam and Eve did after they were kicked out?
A. They really raised
Cain.
Q. What excuse did Adam give to
his children as to why he no longer lived in
A. Your mother ate us out
of house and home
Q. The ark was built in 3
stories, and the top story had a window to let light in, but how did they get
light to the bottom 2 stories?
A. They used floodlights.
Q. Who is the greatest babysitter
mentioned in the Bible?
A. David--he rocked
Goliath to sleep.
Q. Why was Goliath so surprised
when David hit him with a slingshot?
A. The thought had never
entered his head before.
Q. If Goliath is resurrected,
would you like to tell him the joke about David and Goliath?
A. No, he already fell
for it once.
Q. How do we know that Job went
to a chiropractor?
A. Because in Job
Q. Where is the first tennis
match mentioned in the Bible?
A. When Joseph served in
Pharoah's court.
Q: How do we know that they
played cards in the ark?
A: Because Noah sat on
the deck.
The Living Lexicon:
Church Terms That Oughta Be
Biblidue: The build-up of bookmarks, bulletins, notes, and
other miscellanea that collects in one's Bible.
Clivaholic: One who can no longer control the compulsion to quote C.S.
Lewis in every sermon, lesson, or conversation.
Hymnastics: The entertaining body language of the song leader.
Narthexegesis: Unsolicited post-sermon commentary given the preacher by
armchair biblical theologians.
Pewtrify: To occupy a precise spot in the sanctuary for more than 15
years without once showing signs of sentient life.
Ministereotype: A common myth or misconception about any ordained
person.
Deaconscript: An unwilling church officer cajoled into a position of
leadership.
Hi-litaholic: One who cannot resist highlighting Bible verses until the
entire volume is a multihued mass of Day-Glo vibrancy.
Hymnprovisation: The abrupt and unannounced transition from one song to
another, usually a chorus unfamiliar to most present.
Proliferation: An abundance of anti-abortion activists.
Pulpituitary: That phenomenon familiar to those seated on the front pew,
during which a preacher produces hazardous conditions with alliterative Ps.
Cajun Ten Commandments:
1. God is number 1 ...an das' all.
2. Don't pray to nuthin' or nobody...jus' God
3. Don't cuss nobody...'specially da Good Lord.
4 It's Sunday...pass yauself by God's house.
5. Yo folks dun did it all...lissen to dem.
6. Killin dem duck and goose, dat's OK ...people--no!
7. God gave you a wife...sleep wit' jus' her.
8. Don't take nobody's pirogue...or nuthin'.
9. Don't go wantin' somebody's stuff.
10. Stop
lyin' ...yo tongue gonna' fall out!
I’m a Separated, Independent, Fire Breathin’, Devil
Hatin’…
I was walking across a bridge one
day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and
said, “Stop! Don’t do it!”
“Why shouldn’t I” he said.
“Well, there’s so much to live
for!”
“Like what?”
“Well…are you religious?”
He said, “Yes.”
I said, “Me too! Are you
Christian or Buddhist?”
“Christian.”
“Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?”
“Protestant.”
“Me too! Are you Episcopalian or
Baptist?”
“Baptist.”
“Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist
Church of God or
“
“Me too! Are you original Baptist Church
of God, or are you reformed Baptist Church of God?”
“Reformed
“Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church
of God, reformation of 1879 or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of
1915?”
He said, “Reformed Baptist Church
of God, reformation of 1915!”
I said “Die, heretic scum”, and
pushed him off.
The Pastor’s Eggs
An elderly
pastor was searching his closet for his collar before church one Sunday
morning. In the back of the closet, he found a small box containing 3 eggs and
100 $1 bills. He called his wife into the closet to ask her about the box and
its contents. Embarrassed, she admitted having hidden the box for their entire
25 years of marriage. Disappointed and hurt, the pastor asked her, “Why?”
His wife
replied that she hadn’t wanted to hurt his feelings. He asked her how the box
could have hurt his feelings. She said that every time during their marriage
that he delivered a poor sermon, she had placed an egg in the box.
The pastor
felt that 3 poor sermons in 25 years was certainly nothing to feel bad about,
so he asked her what the $100 was for.
She replied,
“Each time I got a dozen eggs, I sold them to the neighbors for $1.”
Careful With Criticism
An elderly
woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at
the door and helped her up the flight of steps. “Where would you like to sit?”
he asked politely.
“The front
row please.” She answered.
“You really
don’t want to do that,” the usher said. “The pastor is really boring.”
“Do you
happen to know who I am?” the woman inquired.
“No.” he
said.
“I’m the
pastor’s mother,” she replied indignantly.
“Do you know
who I am?” he asked.
“No.” she
said.
“Good,” he
answered.
Show and Tell
A
kindergarten teacher gave her class a “show and tell” assignment. Each student was
instructed to bring in an object to share with the class that represented their
religion.
The first
student got up in front of the class and said, “My name is Benjamin and I am
Jewish and this is a Star of David.”
The second
student got up in front of the class and said, “My name is Mary. I’m Catholic
and this is a Rosary.”
The third
student got up and said, “My name is Tommy. I am Baptist, and this is a
casserole.”
The
A priest, a
minister and a guru sat discussing the best positions for prayer while a
telephone repairman worked nearby.
“Kneeling is
definitely the best way to pray,” the priest said.
“No,” said
the minister. “I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched
toward heaven.”
“You’re both
wrong,” the guru said. “The most effective prayer position is in the lotus
position.”
The
repairman could contain himself no longer.
“Hey
fellas,” he interrupted. “The best prayin’ I ever did was when I was hangin’
upside down from a telephone pole.”
Waking Up for Church
One Sunday
morning, a mother went in to wake her son and tell him it was time to get ready
for church, to which he replied, “I’m not going.”
“Why not?” She asked.
“I’ll give
you two good reasons.” He said. “One, they don’t like me, and two, I don’t like
them.”
His mother
replied, “I’ll give YOU two good reasons why you SHOULD go to church. One,
you’re 54 years old, and two, you’re the pastor!”
The Twenty and the One
A well-worn
one dollar bill and a similarly distressed twenty dollar bill arrived at a
Federal Reserve Bank to be retired. As they moved along the conveyor belt to be
burned, they struck up a conversation.
The twenty
dollar reminisced about its travels all over the country. “I’ve had a pretty
good life,” the twenty proclaimed. “Why I’ve been to
“Wow!” said
the one dollar bill. “You’ve had an exciting life!”
“So tell me,“ says the twenty, “where have you been throughout your
lifetime?”
The one
dollar bill replies, “Oh, I’ve been to the
The twenty
dollar bill interrupts, “What’s a church?”
Goat for Dinner
The young
couple invited their elderly pastor for Sunday dinner. While they were in the
kitchen preparing the meal the minister asked their son what they were having.
“Goat,” the
little boy replied.
“Goat?”
replied the startled man of the cloth, “Are you sure about that?”
“Yup!” said
the youngster. “I heard Dad say to Mom, ‘Today is just as good as any to have
the old goat for dinner.’”
Morning People
"Somebody
has said there are only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who
wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," and there are
those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's
morning."
Lord’s Prayer
A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a
large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter.
Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled
the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us
our trespasses."
When he returned, he found a citation from a police
officer along with this note: "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I
don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."
Fund Raising
A pastor got up one Sunday and announced to his
congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program.
The bad news is, it's still out there in your
pockets."
God’s an Artist
A Sunday School teacher
began her lesson with a question, "Boys and girls, what do we know about
God?" A hand shot up in the air.
"He is an artist!" said the kindergarten
boy.
"Really? How do you know?" the
teacher asked.
"You know - Our Father, who does art in
Heaven... "
Ministry is Like…
A minister waited in line to have his car filled
with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but
there were many cars ahead of him. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a
vacant pump.
"Reverend," said the young man, "I'm
so sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute
to get ready for a long trip."
The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean.
It's the same in my business."