The Cake

Alice was to bake a cake for the Baptist Church Ladies' Group in Tuscaloosa, but forgot to do it until the last minute. She remembered the morning of the bake sale and, after rummaging through cabinets, found an angel food cake mix & quickly made it while drying her hair, dressing, and helping her son pack for Scout camp.

When Alice took the cake from the oven, the center had dropped flat and the cake was horribly disfigured. She thought, "Oh dear, there is not time to bake another cake."

This cake was important to Alice because she did so want to fit in at her new church and in her new community of friends. So, being inventive, she looked around the house for something to build up the center of the cake.

Alice found it in the bathroom - a roll of toilet paper. She plunked it in and covered it with icing. Not only did the finished product look beautiful, it looked perfect.

Before she left the house to drop the cake by the church and head for work, Alice woke her daughter, Amanda, and gave her some money and specific instructions to be at the bake sale the moment it opened at 9:30 and to buy the cake and bring it back home.

When Amanda arrived at the sale, she found the attractive, perfect cake had already been sold. She grabbed her cell phone and called her mom.

Alice was horrified - she was beside herself. Everyone would know! What would they think? She would be ostracized, talked about, and ridiculed! All night, Alice lay awake in bed thinking about people pointing fingers at her and talking about her behind her back.

The next day, Alice promised herself she would try not to think about the cake and would attend the fancy luncheon/bridal shower at the home of a fellow church member and try to have a good time. Alice did not want to attend because the hostess was a snob who more than once had looked down her nose at Alice because she was a single parent and not from the founding families of her city but, having already RSVP'd, she couldn't think of a believable excuse to stay home.

The meal was elegant, the company was definitely upper crust and, to Alice 's horror, the cake in question was presented for dessert! Alice felt the blood drain from her body when she saw the cake!

She started out of her chair to tell the hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, the Mayor's wife said, "What a beautiful cake!"

Alice still stunned, sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess (who was also a prominent church member) say, "Thank you. I baked it myself."

Alice smiled and thought to herself, "God is good."

The Good Steward

The faithful church treasurer resigned because there was never enough income to cover expenses. Another member – the owner of the local grain elevator – volunteered to take the position. He had one stipulation – for a period of one year the church would require no report from him.

The board members were puzzled at this strange request, but knowing him to be an honest man who processed most of their grain, they granted it.

At the end of the year, the new treasurer gave a glowing report. The church’s indebtedness on the building had been paid in full! The pastor’s salary had been increased by 15 percent! There were no outstanding bills! In fact, he showed a cash balance of nearly $7,000! The shocked, but delighted, congregation asked for an explanation.

“Most of you bring your grain to my elevator,” the treasurer replied. “When I paid you, I simply withheld 10 percent on your behalf and gave it to the church in your name. You never missed it. Do you see now what we could do for the Lord if we were to willingly return the first tenth to God, who really owns it?”

Are You The Father?

A man standing in line at a check out counter of a grocery store was very surprised when a very attractive woman behind him said, "Hello!" Her face was beaming.

He gave her that "who are you look," and couldn't remember ever having seen her before. Then, noticing his look, she figured she had made a mistake and apologized. "Look," she said "I'm really sorry but when I first saw you, I thought you were the father of one of my children," and walked out of the store.

The guy was dumbfounded and thought to himself, "What is the world coming to? Here is an attractive woman who can't keep track of who fathers her children!"

Then he got a little panicky. "I don't remember her," he thought, but MAYBE, during one of the fraternity parties he had been to when he was in college, perhaps he did father her child! He ran from the store and caught her in the parking lot and asked, "Are you the girl I met at a party in college and then we had a little too much to drink and spent the night together but I never called you again afterward?"

"No", she said with a horrified look on her face. "I'm your son's Sunday School teacher."

Guilty

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom." He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed.

Nothing happened.

Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."

The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.

"But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door."

The jury foreman replied: "Oh, we did look, but your client didn't."

Equality and Justice

Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers.

"So," he said, "I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe."

Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably. "You, attorney Leon, gave me $15,000. And you, attorney Campos, gave me $10,000."

The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a check. He handed it to Leon. "Now then, I'm returning $5,000, and we're going to decide this case solely on its merits!"

Things You'll Never Hear In A Western Movie:

"I reckon I'll have me a half-caf double latte with a twist. IN A DIRTY MUG!"

"Gentlemen, rather than get caught up in mindless reaction, let's draw upon our feminine selves for a more intuitive solution."

"Can we postpone this duel till 12:05? I gotta use the little boys’ room."

"Injuns! Quick, pull the wagons into an irregular dodecagon!"

"Y'know, Badlands Pete... a roaring campfire, good coffee, nice prairie breeze, just you 'n' me... what say we put on the rhinestone gowns and dance a jig or two?"

"Let's see... hardtack and pemmican... that's three grams of fat, seven grams of protein, and two starches."

"You 'n' Slim round up them strays, and I'll tell Cookie to get started on the gazpacho and the fondue."

"That's him! That's the yella-bellied varmint who shot my therapist!"

"He was a strong man, a good marshal, and I reckon he had a keen eye for interior decoration."

"Hey, Buck, do these chaps make my butt look big?"

"It's like I keep tellin' ya, Earl: men is from Tombstone, women is from Dodge."

"HANG HIM HIGH, BOYS!! ...Okay, now a little to the left...Oooh! Stop right there. Perfect!"