Witticisms
1.
Asking a working writer what he thinks about
critics is like asking a fire hydrant how it feels about dogs.
2.
I started out with nothing...I
still have most of it.
3.
I finally got my head together,
now my body is falling apart.
4.
Funny, I don't remember being
absent minded.
5.
If all is not lost, where is it?
6.
It is easier to get older than
it is to get wiser.
7.
If at first you do succeed, try
not to look too astonished.
8.
The first rule of holes: If you
are in one, stop digging.
9.
I went to school to become a
wit, only got halfway through.
10.
It was all so different before
everything changed.
11.
Nostalgia isn't what is used to
be.
12.
A day without sunshine is like a
day in
13.
I wish the buck stopped here. I
could use a few.
14.
It's hard to make a comeback
when you haven't been anywhere.
15.
Living on Earth is expensive,
but it does include a free trip round the sun.
16.
The only time the world beats a
path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
17.
If God wanted me to touch my
toes, he would have put them on my knees.
18.
Lead me not into temptation (I
can find the way myself).
19.
If you're living on the edge,
make sure you're wearing your seat belt.
20.
An unbreakable toy is useful for
breaking other toys.
21.
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
22.
It's not hard to meet
expenses...they're everywhere.
23.
Jury: Twelve people who
determine which client has the better attorney.
24.
The only difference between a
rut and a grave is the depth.
25.
Old people shouldn't eat health
foods. They need all the preservatives they can get.