Advice on dealing with an ex-spouse

Shayla: How do I deal with my unsaved ex in regards to the children?

Meforshim:

Above any human, even a pastor, we need to listen to God’s wisdom. If we don’t, we will suffer the consequences. Worse, our families will suffer the consequences.

Proverbs 1:25-28 HCSB since you neglected all my counsel and did not accept my correction, (26) I, in turn, will laugh at your calamity. I will mock when terror strikes you, (27) when terror strikes you like a storm and your calamity comes like a whirlwind, when trouble and stress overcome you. (28) Then they will call me, but I won't answer; they will search for me, but won't find me.
Proverbs 23:12 HCSB Apply yourself to instruction and listen to words of knowledge.

We can always count on the Word to be correct. There will not be the improper motivations and blind spots to which humans are so susceptible. It is clear and plain. The problem lies not with the advice, but with our willingness to obey it.

Proverbs 8:7-9 HCSB For my mouth tells the truth, and wickedness is detestable to my lips. (8) All the words of my mouth are righteous; none of them are deceptive or perverse. (9) All of them are clear to the perceptive, and right to those who discover knowledge.
Deuteronomy 30:11-14 HCSB (11) "This command that I give you today is certainly not too difficult or beyond your reach. (12) It is not in heaven, so that you have to ask, 'Who will go up to heaven, get it for us, and proclaim it to us so that we may follow it?' (13) And it is not across the sea, so that you have to ask, 'Who will cross the sea, get it for us, and proclaim it to us so that we may follow it?' (14) But the message is very near you, in your mouth and in your heart, so that you may follow it.

We also need to establish in our heart the importance of protecting our children. Whether married or divorced, the call to protect our children remains paramount.

Luke 17:1-2 HCSB He said to His disciples, "Offenses will certainly come, but woe to the one they come through! (2) It would be better for him if a millstone were hung around his neck and he were thrown into the sea than for him to cause one of these little ones to stumble.

Our decisions must not hinder our children from coming to the Lord. We shouldn’t expose them to more sin than we can help. They mustn’t be deliberately put in a place where they will suffer harm. Instead, we should try to always give them the most opportunities they can have to know Christ and follow Him.

Mark 10:13-16 HCSB Some people were bringing little children to Him so He might touch them, but His disciples rebuked them. (14) When Jesus saw it, He was indignant and said to them, "Let the little children come to Me. Don't stop them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. (15) I assure you: Whoever does not welcome the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it." (16) After taking them in His arms, He laid His hands on them and blessed them.

Parents are responsible to care for their children. That responsibility goes far beyond monetary support. We must provide them with safety: physical, moral and spiritual.

1 Timothy 5:8 HCSB Now if anyone does not provide for his own relatives, and especially for his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.

When we are looking for advice, we shouldn’t go to the worldly, to those who are unsuccessful in life. It would be foolish to only go to those who will tell us what we want to hear. Instead, we should find the godly, men and women of character, people who are strong and have a servant’s heart. They will guide us well. If we listen to fools, our destruction is assured.

Proverbs 10:21 HCSB The lips of the righteous feed many, but fools die for lack of sense.
Proverbs 10:31 HCSB The mouth of the righteous produces wisdom, but a perverse tongue will be cut out.

Note: Do you take marriage advice from a person who has had four husbands? Do you take financial advice from a bum lying in his own puke in the street? When a fool brays instructions and advice, your best bet is to simply let it go in one ear and out the other. Then turn to the job and do what is right.

Once we have caught a person in lies, we need to start giving what they say less and less weight. Lying is a fundamental character flaw that affects everything else. It darkens their minds.

Proverbs 10:31 HCSB The mouth of the righteous produces wisdom, but a perverse tongue will be cut out.
Romans 1:18-22 HCSB For God's wrath is revealed from heaven against all godlessness and unrighteousness of people who by their unrighteousness suppress the truth, (19) since what can be known about God is evident among them, because God has shown it to them. (20) From the creation of the world His invisible attributes, that is, His eternal power and divine nature, have been clearly seen, being understood through what He has made. As a result, people are without excuse. (21) For though they knew God, they did not glorify Him as God or show gratitude. Instead, their thinking became nonsense, and their senseless minds were darkened. (22) Claiming to be wise, they became fools

Note: A person who has consistently suppressed the truth in their lives and lived contrary to the Scriptures and even common sense, has darkened their own minds. Their wisest thoughts are nonsense. We need to think carefully before taking such a person’s advice.

In the end, we will know who gave us wise advice. The godly person who points us in the direction of God’s will shall be recognized in the long run. Those fools who keep hurting people with their foolishness will find themselves alone and without respect. If we recognize a fool, then we would be wise to cut them off quickly. It is harmful to allow them to deceive us with their vain human philosophies. We should do this before it’s too late.

We need to make sure that we don’t get bamboozled by one smooth talker who is primarily using emotional arguments. Getting the advice of several wise people who have demonstrated their success in following the scriptures and lead healthy lifestyles will protect us from error.

Proverbs 11:14 HCSB Without guidance, people fall, but with many counselors there is deliverance.

We should take the person’s motivations into account. Why they are saying things is just as important as what they are saying because it relates to how they will implement the plan. They could say one thing and do another if their heart is wrong.

Proverbs 26:24-26 HCSB A hateful person disguises himself with his speech and harbors deceit within. (25) When he speaks graciously, don't believe him, for there are seven abominations in his heart. (26) Though his hatred is concealed by deception, his evil will be revealed in the assembly.

We must not let ourselves be persuaded to follow a plan that we know in our hearts is wrong.

Ephesians 5:6-12 HCSB Let no one deceive you with empty arguments, for because of these things God's wrath is coming on the disobedient. (7) Therefore, do not become their partners. (8) For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Walk as children of light-- (9) for the fruit of the light results in all goodness, righteousness, and truth-- (10) discerning what is pleasing to the Lord. (11) Don't participate in the fruitless works of darkness, but instead, expose them. (12) For it is shameful even to mention what is done by them in secret.

We must be very wary of allowing an unrighteous person to lead us into any activity. Treachery and ulterior motives is a hallmark of sin.

Proverbs 12:5 HCSB The thoughts of the righteous are just, but guidance from the wicked leads to deceit.
Proverbs 12:26 HCSB A righteous man is careful in dealing with his neighbor, but the ways of wicked men lead them astray.

When dealing with them we should patiently and quietly answer the questions and arguments, demonstrating the foolishness of their reasoning.

Proverbs 26:4-5 HCSB Don't answer a fool according to his foolishness, or you'll be like him yourself. (5) Answer a fool according to his foolishness, or he'll become wise in his own eyes.

Note: These two verses seems to contradict the each other, but Solomon is making a play upon the little word ki, here rendered “according to”. In verse 4, it means “in harmony with”. To enter into discussion with a fool within the terms of his folly is to lower oneself to his level and to accept his outlook upon life as one worthy of consideration. In verse 5, “according to” means “as it deserves”. So we should answer a fool so that the foolishness of the proposition is revealed to those who listen and to the fool himself. Thus, he may come to realize that he is far from wise and may seek to become so.

But we cannot allow ourselves to get dragged into their methods. We must understand we are stewards of God’s time and resources. We should not foolishly allow them to waste too much of either.

Ephesians 5:15-17 HCSB Pay careful attention, then, to how you walk--not as unwise people but as wise-- (16) making the most of the time, because the days are evil. (17) So don't be foolish, but understand what the Lord's will is.

We also need to take into account that the ungodly heart cannot truly be satisfied. There is no end to a human heart’s deceit or desire. At some point, we simply need to quit and do what is right whether it’s appreciated or not.

Proverbs 27:20 HCSB Sheol and Abaddon are never satisfied, and people's eyes are never satisfied.
Jeremiah 17:9-10 HCSB The heart is more deceitful than anything else and desperately sick--who can understand it? (10) I, the LORD, examine the mind, I test the heart to give to each according to his way, according to what his actions deserve.

Note: We will never fully know the other person’s motivations. We can’t even fully know our own! Only God can reveal such things. We need to simply trust and follow Him.

A person who is trying to do what is right will inevitably be misunderstood and persecuted by those who wish to retain their evil ways. Therefore, we need to commit ourselves to following the Scriptures that are not only useful for direction in life but will actually give us insight into the motivations and intents of the human heart!

2 Timothy 3:12-17 HCSB In fact, all those who want to live a godly life in Christ Jesus will be persecuted. (13) Evil people and imposters will become worse, deceiving and being deceived. (14) But as for you, continue in what you have learned and firmly believed, knowing those from whom you learned, (15) and that from childhood you have known the sacred Scriptures, which are able to instruct you for salvation through faith in Christ Jesus. (16) All Scripture is inspired by God and is profitable for teaching, for rebuking, for correcting, for training in righteousness, (17) so that the man of God may be complete, equipped for every good work.
Hebrews 4:12 HCSB For the word of God is living and effective and sharper than any two-edged sword, penetrating as far as to divide soul, spirit, joints, and marrow; it is a judge of the ideas and thoughts of the heart.

Thankfully, we are not required to make peace at all costs. We should work toward peace, and do what is required to nurture it. But it takes two to tango and if the other person will not cooperate with right living, then we should be ready to endure the conflict.

Romans 12:18 HCSB If possible, on your part, live at peace with everyone.
Romans 14:19 HCSB So then, we must pursue what promotes peace and what builds up one another.
Matthew 5:9 HCSB Blessed are the peacemakers, because they will be called sons of God.

A godly person will not allow themselves to be goaded into losing control of their tongues.

Proverbs 15:1 HCSB A gentle answer turns away anger, but a harsh word stirs up wrath.
Proverbs 17:27 HCSB The intelligent person restrains his words, and one who keeps a cool head is a man of understanding.

The hallmark of a tzaddik is self-control.

Proverbs 16:32 HCSB Patience is better than power, and controlling one's temper, than capturing a city.
Proverbs 25:28 HCSB A man who does not control his temper is like a city whose wall is broken down.

A wise person will marshal their thoughts before approaching the ungodly. They write them down in right order so that the wisdom of their proposal can be clearly and easily demonstrated. It also allows them to keep on track in spite of all the varying ideas. It would also be a good idea to make the ideas as attractive as possible, building in little gifts of time, services or other concessions.

Proverbs 15:2 HCSB The tongue of the wise makes knowledge attractive, but the mouth of fools blurts out foolishness.
Proverbs 17:8 HCSB A bribe seems like a magic stone to its owner; wherever he turns, he succeeds.
Proverbs 18:16 HCSB A gift opens doors for a man and brings him before the great.
Proverbs 21:14 HCSB A secret gift soothes anger, and a covert bribe, fierce rage.

True love is demonstrated by doing what is right. True love does not yield to sin.

Romans 12:9 HCSB Love must be without hypocrisy. Detest evil; cling to what is good.

We should not let our exhaustion get the better of us, but instead should faithfully keep to the right path.

Proverbs 24:10 HCSB If you do nothing in a difficult time, your strength is limited.
Galatians 6:7-10 HCSB Don't be deceived: God is not mocked. For whatever a man sows he will also reap, (8) because the one who sows to his flesh will reap corruption from the flesh, but the one who sows to the Spirit will reap eternal life from the Spirit. (9) So we must not get tired of doing good, for we will reap at the proper time if we don't give up. (10) Therefore, as we have opportunity, we must work for the good of all, especially for those who belong to the household of faith.

Note: If we yield to ungodly advice simply out of sheer exhaustion or a desire to escape conflict, we will reap the consequences of following ungodly advice. If we want our children to be spiritual, we must make spiritually wise decisions for them. We will go through some hard times now, but in the long run we will find what we seek – real peace. We will therefore work for the good of our families, especially if some of them either have become or are considering becoming Christians.

We must be willing to listen to constructive criticism but be wise in distinguishing what is lashing out and what is actually constructive.

Proverbs 15:31 HCSB An ear that listens to life-giving rebukes will be at home among the wise.
Proverbs 25:12 HCSB A wise correction to a receptive ear is like a gold ring or an ornament of gold.

Anger and frustration is allowed but it cannot be allowed to drive us to sin.

Ephesians 4:26-27 HCSB Be angry and do not sin. Don't let the sun go down on your anger, (27) and don't give the Devil an opportunity.

Note: In our frustration, we must not yield to the temptation to speak half truths or whole lies in order to get out of some conflict or in order to cause them to yield to our way.

Whatever happens, we must not seek vengeance for wrongs suffered. We must not cross the line.

Romans 12:14 HCSB Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse.
Romans 12:17 HCSB Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Try to do what is honorable in everyone's eyes.
Romans 12:19 HCSB Friends, do not avenge yourselves; instead, leave room for His wrath. For it is written: Vengeance belongs to Me; I will repay, says the Lord.
Proverbs 24:28-29 HCSB Don't testify against your neighbor without cause. Don't deceive with your lips. (29) Don't say, "I'll do to him what he did to me; I'll repay the man for what he has done."